I was thinking again recently about why I wanted to lose weight in the first place. One of the reasons I always came up with was because it kept me from having a life. Of course, that was entirely my decision - I was too conscious of my shape, and so decided not to go out, and to avoid social interactions.
Now I've come so far, and regained so much confidence in myself, you'd expect that to have changed. But the fact is, since I had decided to avoid 'having a life', I now had to make another decision - to go out and live life instead.
It was strange - I would weigh in, congratulate myself, reflect on my new-found self respect, remark that finally my weight wasn't holding me back...and then I would log on to my laptop and start watching movies. The other morning I struggled to remember when I had last left the house! Hardly making the most of things...
So, I decided to start saying 'YES' to more opportunities when they arose. Within reason, of course - being between academic years also means I'm between payments of student loan, and I'm wary of loading too much onto my credit card when I still have three years before I start earning!
I've been out and about with some friends from my course a few times, which is good. These people knew me at my very heaviest, right before my self-imposed exile, and were very quick to notice and comment on how much better I looked when I finally turned up for exams, several months (and many many pounds) later, which was nice.
Last night a few of us went along to a pub quiz, and somehow, we managed to win - hurrah! (Ironically, all those hours spent watching movies on my laptop paid dividends in the film round!) A combination of that winning feeling, and having been out and had a good time with my friends, somehow managed to bring my guard down. Quite unexpectedly, I found myself in a convenience store, at about midnight, buying a pizza, chocolate and two ice-creams!
I don't know how or why it happened. I scoffed the lot too, that same night (so, technically, VERY early this morning). I felt so annoyed with myself this morning when I woke up, that I didn't weigh. Somehow, regained self-respect had led to indulgence, which led straight back to self-disappointment! How frustrating!
I'm going to have to work hard to see a loss this week now, as this weekend I'm off up to my folks, and that usually means going out for a meal (which usually means me FEELING like I've eating too much, so I end up writing off the weekend diet-wise and then DEFINITELY eating too much). I also have to be more careful socially - its a great thing to have a good time, but I have to shake the connection between feeling good and feeling like I deserve a treat - a connection which is, apparently, still there...